…Actually, this is more of a compilation of guidelines for conducting a proper, manly, man hug - to be done with an appropriate level of masculinity-reinforcing level of hairy-chested manliness, complete with raw oatmeal sans raisins or brown sugar, and most certainly sans crummy-six-dollar-frappaccino from a certain coffee franchise.
I provide this as a public service, so you don’t ever make the mistake of looking like these two pinheads in public:
Sorry guys, but even a presidential endorsement of the *cough cough* presumptive GOP nominee is not grounds enough for this sissy display of affection. You both should have checked in with us (and yes, I’ll use the “imperial/editorial ‘we’ here”) first, before perpetrating this awful display of late middle-aged male ooey-gooey-ness upon our otherwise Victorian sense of decorum.
So without any further ado, here goes:
A Man-Hug may be executed in a time and place appropriate for such a degree of intimate contact that might require something more expressive than the standard “Handshake”; however, it must be executed in a manner that precludes any and all suspicion of evil, such as metrosexuality or general effeminate-ness, also known as “becoming infected with girly-girl-cooties”… Yuck!
A properly applied “Man-Hug” may be exchanged between two consenting males without any suspicion of wrong-doing as follows:
(1). Between any two men related by first or second degree blood relations (such as father-son, nephew-uncle, grandfather-grandson under most any circumstance, especially during a family event.
(1a). Men from different families related by marriage may exchange a hug, but only if said hug is accompanied by a percussive backslap or two than can be best characterized as “hearty”, where the pressure of the open hand landing upon the exchange of the hug is enough to kill small insects, but not so strong so as to cause a permanent or crippling back injury.
(1b). An advised “happy medium” should provide enough force to sting and/or raise a small welt if the slapping hand bears a wedding band or fraternity ring.
(1c). The recipient of a “hearty backslap” shall bear the sting or welt with manly gratitude, always remembering that, as a man, he has been graced with the ability to endure minor pains silently and also the ability to urinate whilst standing upright, as opposed to having endure the savage pains of childbirth and having to sit daintily like a woman to pee.
(2). Between any two unrelated men who are eyewitness to, or direct participants in an event of particular emotional or traumatic importance, including but not necessarily limited to the following:
(2a). A Super Bowl, World Series, or Stanley Cup win by a team favoured by both men deigning to exchange in such a hug.
(2b). A conference championship or pennant win by a favoured but underdog team that has not won a championship in a substantial number of years. This can be extended to certain college games as well, under exceptional circumstances.
(2c). A reunion of two combat veterans who served in the same unit (or similar trial, such as LEOs from the same police department or precinct, or firefighters from the same ladder company, or other paramilitary organizations)
(2d). A reunion between two childhood or school friends after a long period of time.
(2e). Category Two man-hugs as described in this section MUST be accompanied by a proper manly backslap as described in (1a), and at no time shall the hands of either participant extend beyond a ninety-degree angle of extension or below the beltline of the opposite participant. Grabbing the posterior region or sub-abdominal groinal area is definitely inappropriate, and is punishable by flogging and eternal humiliation as long as the offender shall live.
(2f). Frenchmen, Turks, and other Mediterranean, Slavic, and Arab men are advised to consult their regional editions of this code for proper conduct of the “It Looks Kinda Queer, But We Know Its A Foreign Man-Kiss Thing”, and are STRONGLY advised to refrain from using this gesture with American men, or while in North America.
(3). The length of friendship, the nature of what was shared during the friendship, and the length of time of separation should determine both the duration of the hug and the heartiness of the backslap.
(4). In no case shall a proper man-hug last for more than three (3) seconds, except for the case of man-hug between family members, if the junior huggee is a prepubescent minor, or the senior huggee is of very advanced age and/or functioning at a loss of his faculties, in which case the hug may last as long as the qualified participants deem suitable.
(5). In most cases, except for family reunions, birth-announcements (especially of sons) or weddings (not gay weddings, as a proper man shouldn’t be getting gay-married anyway), a handshake and an offer to buy the other man a beer or drink (or non-alcoholic drink, in deference to the prospective greetee’s wishes) is a sufficient and very recommended alternative to getting too close (that is, within the 18-inch/45cm “personal bubble”) to another male.
(6). Addendum to Item (2e) above shall provide for exactly one (1) non-sexual sportsmanlike slap of a teammate’s posterior end upon the completion of a touchdown or touchdown pass. The slap shall be delivered smartly with either a open hand or a slightly cupped hand, as a misguided closed hand might result in an inadvertent proctological malfunction which would be both injurious and extremely embarrassing to both parties.
